Ok.  I’m going to take a crack at something that my good friend Jorge does all the time.  I’m not sure anyone else has noticed, but spam-artists are getting more tricksy all the time.  Lately they’ve started trying to use “names” made up from sort of random words to try to fool spam-filters.  I honestly think that there are small, pale people locked in little rooms with very little to eat stringing these fake names together all day long.

Of course, it still doesn’t work.  My spam filter gets rid of them with seeming ease, but there’s no saying I can’t have a little fun with them once I’ve collected them.

Jorge has taken to fashioning a sort of story from them, and I’m going to attempt to do the same.  This bedraggled cast of characters has been assembled into an unlikely Football Team.  I’ve dubbed them The Spamlington Chargers.

Now let’s get on with the show!  Here is a media-guide to a few of the key players…

******

Orthodontics B. Evicted (#9) – Tailback - this less-than-heroic player refuses to wear any head or face protection.  Despite finally making it to the “big show”, he has never made a rent payment, stating simply, “Do you KNOW who I am?” when asked about possibly paying the rent this month by his erstwhile landlord.  Being somewhat “accommodationally challenged”, he has taken up residence on the team bus.  His biggest fan is his Dentist, who can be seen cheering enthusiastically and rubbing his hands with glee every time Mr. Evicted takes a hit.

Braggers A. Demoralize (#33) – Linebacker – Standing only 5’4”, you wouldn’t think that he has the size to talk a big game like he does, but weighing in at 372lbs, he certainly has the WEIGHT!  His constant stream of trash-talk washes over opposing teams like a noxious gas, and those few in whom the reaction is rage instead of dejected muttering, quickly find themselves out of their class in physical confrontation.  Simply put, he is like an anchor  He has the exact shape of a Hershey’s Kiss.  He is a miracle of modern science, known to sometimes eat more than eighteen big macs in a sitting, he is thought to have the lowest center of gravity ever recorded.

Chest D. Lambert (#47) – Offensive Centre – Though a huge man in stature, he is really a very timid man off the field.  He spent many years working out on the “fly” machine, and thus he has the most impressive pectoral muscles on the team.  His teammates quickly nicknamed him “Chesty”, and many an opposing tackle has fallen when he flexes his chest at the line of scrimmage.  When asked about his opinion of his recently acquired nickname, he just shook his head sheepishly and went back to lyin’ around in the dressing room.

Indivisible K. Julep (N/A) – Coach – Having led many other imaginary teams to great fictional championships, Mr. Julep feels ready to do the same here with the Chargers.  His coaching style is somewhat unconventional, as he is known to NEVER single out a player, and instead criticizes the whole team for the errors of each individual.  His family hail from the Kentucky, and he grew up immersed in the culture of the Derby.  Some of the players secretly believe he may have a drinking problem, but no one has been able to prove it, as he always has a faint smell of mint about him.  His parents were devout Nationalists and were known to recite the Pledge of Allegiance each night before bed.

Screw U. Sagging (#54) – Defensive Tackle – The best word to use to describe this aging veteran would be “ornery”.  In fact, the only person meaner than Mr. Sagging ever encountered by THIS author would have to have been his father, Frig O. Sagging.  Which could in no small part account for his unfortunate moniker.  It’s said that he is unable to engage in social conversation in any way.  This of course begs the question as to how the males of the Sagging family manage to continually procreate… Frankly, this is likely to be Sagging’s last year in the league, he has unofficially announced his retirement in classic Sagging fashion, shouting his name and first initial at the coaching staff during a recent celebrity picnic appearance by the team.

Hyperbole D. Deteriorated (#3) – Running Back – This is Mr. Deteriorated’s sophmore season in the league.  He burst onto the Imaginary Football League radar last year as a rookie with much fanfare, and he had the skill to back it up.  He managed to capture the Offal O. Packrat trophy as the rookie of the year… but his play has declined steadily since then.  And by steadily I mean RAPIDLY.  He showed up thirty pounds overweight for training camp this spring and seems to have forgotten most of his football smarts somehow.  His foot-speed has been DRASTICALLY reduced, to the point that Demoralize and Sagging are able to run slow, lazy circles around him.  Somehow, though, the stories being written about him are strangely exaggerated, with his prowess being greatly misrepresented.

Renown G. Flyspeck            (#15) – Quarterback – The undisputed captain of the team, he has managed to break every offensive record in the teams long and undesirable history.  Women swoon at his classic good-looks, and children swarm to obtain his autograph at local games.  However, he can’t help feeling that all of his accomplishments are still inconsequential.  As soon as he leaves the city-limits, he is just another nobody… people recognize him, but often can’t remember where they know him from.

Ptarmigan U. Mum (#1) – Kicker – An import from an English football league, Mr. Mum has very little to say.  In fact, he has not been heard to utter a single word.  Ever.  Much controversy arose when he joined the team after an unfortunate incident involving a small bird in the grouse family, and three Finnish hookers during a match in Scotland drove him into exile from his homeland.  He has a quirky habit of pulling his jersey over his head and running about with his arms outstretched after every successful punt.

Pigskin I. Trimness (#35) – Wide Receiver – You could say that Mr. Trimness was born into the game.  Indeed you could.  If you did, you would be ABSOLUTELY right.  He was born in the fourth row during a famous game in ’77 when the Spamlington Chargers were defending their title against the North Firewallville Blizzards.  He is a natural, sure of hand and fleet of foot.  Flyspeck knows that if he gets the ball anywhere near Trimness, he will catch it.  Pigskin is a serious gym-nut and has often been heard extolling his teammates on the virtues of losing weight, his usual target is the beefy but diminutive Demoralize.  He hates jokes made about his being a “wide” receiver, and is quick to point at Sagging as a better candidate for the position.

Encountered K. Stickpin (#68) – Offensive Tackle – Born in the bayous outside New Orleans, this tall tackle has a knack for showing up when he’s least expected.  It seems like an opposing player has a free run to the end zone when suddenly, Stickpin will appear out of nowhere and make a startling tackle.  He wears a small necklace made out of human finger-joints when he’s not on the field, a source of many rumours concerning his supposed voodoo heritage… something that THIS author seriously doubts… to be honest, he’s really just a third-rate tackle and I’ve been one of his biggest detractors ever since I saw him play in college… what’s that?  Whoah!  Where did YOU come from Mr. Stickpin?  Hey!  Is that an action-figure of ME?  What are you doing with that nail?  Arrrrrghhh….!!

END OF REPORT.