My evening... I was accosted on my way home from Jacks by a one-armed man... he was very strong, he dragged me into an alley and whispered that he knew who I was. I tried to ask him what he was talking about, but he clonked me on the head with a statue of Wilt Chamberlain that he had been clutching in his good hand.

When I came to, I was on a ship... I don't know where... I had been press-ganged into the foreign legion! The men on the ship were harsh and their justice was brutal. I was forced to live for hours on a diet consisting of dates... in many forms... date squares, date cookies, date pie, even a very odd looking date gruel... which was really just crushed up dates.

I tried to reason with the Captain... or possibly the cabin-boy... I'm still not sure... but he didn't speak a word of english. He only pointed and stroked his pointy little beard. And laughed a lot. And brandished his hook like nobody's business. I don't think I mentioned that.

We sailed for many minutes, and I was still not sure where we were going, until I heard a great commotion from the deck of the ship... yelling and what sounded like swords clashing... myself and a few of the other captives quickly overcame our guard... which, as it turned out, was actually a stuffed effigy. We rushed the topdeck, and found an incredible scene... it turns out that pirates had boarded us and were plundering our booty! Our captain, or possibly the cabin-boy, was locked in mortal combat with the pirate captain... or possibly THEIR cabin-boy... they hacked and slashed and "Arrrrrr"ed at each other... cutlass to cutlass, hook to hook, pointy-beard to pointy-beard... until finally our captain, or possibly cabin-boy, stumbled on his peg-leg, and the pirate captain, or possibly cabin-boy, slew him mightily and smote his ruin down upon the poop-deck.

It seems we had escaped a hard place only to be trapped beneath a rock. We ran like a bunch of steroid-infested Ben Johnsons for the deck-rail and vaulted over, only to find ourselves landing on the deck of the pirate ship! It seems we had leaped from the frying pan and into the fire! But in this case, the frying pan was a slaver's galley, bound for ports unknown, and the fire was a black-hulled pirate ship!

Luck, it seems was on our side, though, as all the pirates were plundering booty from the foreign-legion slave ship, so they had left behind a token guard, a monkey and a hamster. We were able to quickly overcome the monkey, but the hamster put up a fearsome fight... his claws and fangs slashed at us again and again... I ordered two of the men to break off from the melee and free the pirate ship from the moorings holding it to the slave galley... and I held off the fearsome beast while they did it. The hamster fought like a brave, but doomed champion for many minutes, but in the end, I slew him mightily and smote his ruin down upon his woodchips.

We cast off from the pirates and left a very surprised looking pirate crew, waving at us and bidding us adieu, as we sailed away in their ship. At least I THINK they were bidding us adieu... they may have been swearing at us in "Piratese". Their captain, or possibly the cabin-boy, waved his hook in a most threatening manner at me and I clearly heard his words echo across the stormy waters of what I assume was Lake Ontario... since I could still clearly see the CN tower... he spake thusly, "Arrrr!!! Damn you to the seven compartments of Davey Jones' locker, Black James!" (This was what my crew had taken to calling me by now) he continued, "I will not rest until the day I bury my hook in the soft fleshy parts of your manly and well-sculpted body!"

I sneered and laughed, and yelled back that I had no desire to learn what rotting lunches Mr. Jones had accumulated in his locker! My crew cheered lustily at that, and we sailed back towards the beautiful Toronto skyline.

We reached port just in time for me to catch the last subway home, and the crew and I decided to leave the pirate ship there, at Queen's Quay... perhaps you've seen it there? It's now a restaurant called "Long John Silvers" I believe... well to make a long story somewhat longer, I got to work just in time to get your e-mail, and as I sit here recounting the tale, I can't help but wonder if I shall see that pirate captain, or possibly cabin-boy again... and also if I left my wallet on board the slave-ship...

How was YOUR evening?