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April 20 Reverie
So this began life as an e-mail to someone I have just met, as a matter of fact... Imagine THEIR surprise when they open the seemingly innocuous e-mail, expecting to find, "Hello! How are you? How was your evening?" and uncover THIS monstrosity of macabre imagination!
Enjoy!
Reverie.
I'm sitting at my desk, a little bleary-eyed... the memory of the screwdrivers I drank last night is competing with the vague memory of belting out "Five Days in May" by Blue Rodeo to a bar packed with maybe ten people, for sole possession of my sub-conscious... my phone is ringing off the hook, and it's starting to slowly drive me crazy. I'm thinking about how much "stress leave" I could get if I freaked out and tore it out of the wall and threw it across the office... relishing the shocked and horrified looks on the faces of my co-workers... bellowing in triumph as it tumbles end-over-end to smash against the wall, spraying digits and loops of electronic guts everywhere... a faint echo of the phone's last, desperate ring would hang in the air, the only thing breaking the sudden silence that would descend over the be-cubicled nightmare that is my office. I figure it would take three or four of my co-workers to wrestle me to the ground by the time I got to the third phone and they realized what was happening... it's a good fantasy... ;)
...the sounds of "Walking After You" by The Foo Fighters is coming from my computer speakers as my gaze moves slowly to the world outside my office window. The sunlight is almost painful in it's intensity, glinting and sparkling off of the cars in the parking lot... slowly baking in the afternoon sun. I can see lazy heat-waves rising from the roofs... and small buds of green starting to push their way boldly out of the branches, to drink the warm April air. The buds stare bravely into a sky that is utterly without clouds, only a very thin layer of wispy cloud, lightening the startling blue shade of the sky.
My office window faces North, and what must be a major air-traffic lane for Pearson airport sends about ten or fifteen giant, lumbering airliners past my wistful gaze every day. I often catch myself drifting as I wonder just where those people are coming from... Where have they been? What have they seen? What event or urge propelled them to an airport somewhere and had them purchase a ticket to come all the way to Toronto? Or are they just stopping by on the way somewhere TRULY exotic... like Vancouver? Is it a wedding? A birthday? Is someone clutching their last possessions on earth in a cheap carry-on in their lap, hoping to find a better life here? The promise of freedom and opportunity making their heart race against their chest as they consider the future? Or simply a vacation? How barren and cold our home must feel to some... How crowded and loud and sinister to others...
My reverie is torn asunder by the insistent, but politely muted, ringing of the hated instrument of my barbaric fantasy... and my dreams fly from me, as gulls from a gleeful child on a white sandy beach...
Heh. Tell me what you think of my little stream-of-consciousness story... I guess I was in the mood to write something! :) Does that ever happen to you? You're sitting there minding your own business, (or someone else's business, as the case may be, since I don't HAVE a business), when all of the sudden words start piling up in your head, demanding to be written... practically forcing themselves into my fingers and onto the screen.
I feel so used. So cheap and violated. ;) April 13 Wow... was it really MARCH???...the last time I made an update???
Whew! That's no good! Well, this will just be a quickie.. I kept planning to use my next "spam chronicle" to be my next entry, but I haven't gotten around to writing it yet!!
So here I am. Rambling on about nothing. Well there isn't a lot to report, actually... life is just carrying on as usual. Work is keeping me VERY busy... but I've thought of something.
I was contacted today by someone from my murky past!!! A good friend that I lost touch with many moons ago... and I'm going to tell a story about something that happened to us "back in the day".
This friend of mine got his license first, and was driving before any of us... in fact, I didn't even GET my license until almost a year later because I didn't really need to! There always seemed to be someone around to drive... but I digress... this buddy of mine's parents had a Cadillac. A fleetwood, a pretty nice car back then! Beefy engine, and a nice ride! Well, he used to get to drive it around, and one day, he had the caddy and we were supposed to go help his folks at a charity bizarre or something. It was being held at the fairgrounds in Newmarket, and we were supposed to go meet them and help load stuff into the hall.
When we got there in the caddy, his parents were nowhere to be seen. In fact, NOBODY was ANYWHERE to be seen... (i'm not sure that makes sense, but I'm going on anyway). Well, being kids in high school... and being the peer pressure machine that I was, I urged him, "Hey man! Take the caddy up the hill! On the grass over there!" There was a grassy knoll beside the entrance to the hall, with a gentle up-slope... some retarded part of me thought it would be funny to take the Caddy up across the fairgrounds lawn... i still don't know why.
Well my buddy apparently shared my expectation of mirth at this idea, and immediately jerked the wheel over and headed up the grassy hill. It was actually a lot of fun, considering it was really just driving on grass... right up until the point where we crested the hill, turned around and started to head back down and back to the parking lot. When the car reached the bottom of the hill, only about twenty feet from the parking lot, we noticed that the ground was DECIDEDLY mushier than it felt going up on the far end... the Caddy noticed too... as it's enormous weight settled gracelessly into the mud. My buddy, on instinct, immediately gunned the engine, sending a huge plume of mud up behind the car, I yelled for him to stop, but it was too late, as the car settled even FURTHER down, right to the axles in fact, in the squishy mud.
He began calling me some pretty colourful names. All admittedly deserved, but I could not keep from laughing. Then HE started laughing... of course, the laughter quickly died when we realized getting out that the two of US were NOT going to be able to push a 5,000 pound cadillac out of the mud on our own... we quickly phoned as many of our friends as we could, and soon had a small army of high school students trying EVERYTHING we could think of to get this beastly car out of the mud. We tried the wood under the tires, we tried kitty litter, we tried BRUTE FORCE... of course nothing worked. At one point, we looked up JUST in time to see a VERY FAMILIAR looking van pull into the parking lot... with two VERY FAMILIAR looking people in it... especially to my buddy... his Mom and Dad. They quickly surmised the situation, without even needing to get out of the van. No doubt they realized that if the exited their vehicle, they would visit some terrible vengeance upon their son, and really, it's probably for the best... I mean, who wants to get the crap beaten out of their MOTHER in front of all your friends? Heh.
Well, that's how I remember it anyway, I'm pretty sure they did talk to us, simply telling him that he'd better get it OUT of there and get it HOME and CLEAN. I just remember them pulling in, looking at us all covered in mud, and shaking their heads, turning around and driving away.
Finally admitting defeat, we called a tow-truck, who promptly hooked a winch line to the front axle, and wrestled the swamped caddy out of it's muddy bath... for a pretty hefty fee as I recall... I can only imagine what he was thinking... It was funny, EVERY TIME we did something we weren't supposed to be doing, his parents would show up. On TWO seperate occasions when we cut class, his parents showed up. One time, when we were outside the arcade, we had just gotten there, and we were sitting in his parents' car, and they pulled into the plaza behind us... we both hit the deck so they wouldn't see us, which when I think about it now... how could they not recognise THEIR OWN CAR in a parking lot FAR from where it was supposed to be at our school! Heh. Not too bright we were...
Of course... we can laugh about it now, in fact, I remember laughing about it then too... I wonder if HE still laughs about it?? :)
March 21 The Spamlington Chargers!!Ok. I’m going to take a crack at something that my good friend Jorge does all the time. I’m not sure anyone else has noticed, but spam-artists are getting more tricksy all the time. Lately they’ve started trying to use “names” made up from sort of random words to try to fool spam-filters. I honestly think that there are small, pale people locked in little rooms with very little to eat stringing these fake names together all day long.
Of course, it still doesn’t work. My spam filter gets rid of them with seeming ease, but there’s no saying I can’t have a little fun with them once I’ve collected them.
Jorge has taken to fashioning a sort of story from them, and I’m going to attempt to do the same. This bedraggled cast of characters has been assembled into an unlikely Football Team. I’ve dubbed them The Spamlington Chargers.
Now let’s get on with the show! Here is a media-guide to a few of the key players…
******
Orthodontics B. Evicted (#9) – Tailback - this less-than-heroic player refuses to wear any head or face protection. Despite finally making it to the “big show”, he has never made a rent payment, stating simply, “Do you KNOW who I am?” when asked about possibly paying the rent this month by his erstwhile landlord. Being somewhat “accommodationally challenged”, he has taken up residence on the team bus. His biggest fan is his Dentist, who can be seen cheering enthusiastically and rubbing his hands with glee every time Mr. Evicted takes a hit.
Braggers A. Demoralize (#33) – Linebacker – Standing only 5’4”, you wouldn’t think that he has the size to talk a big game like he does, but weighing in at 372lbs, he certainly has the WEIGHT! His constant stream of trash-talk washes over opposing teams like a noxious gas, and those few in whom the reaction is rage instead of dejected muttering, quickly find themselves out of their class in physical confrontation. Simply put, he is like an anchor He has the exact shape of a Hershey’s Kiss. He is a miracle of modern science, known to sometimes eat more than eighteen big macs in a sitting, he is thought to have the lowest center of gravity ever recorded.
Chest D. Lambert (#47) – Offensive Centre – Though a huge man in stature, he is really a very timid man off the field. He spent many years working out on the “fly” machine, and thus he has the most impressive pectoral muscles on the team. His teammates quickly nicknamed him “Chesty”, and many an opposing tackle has fallen when he flexes his chest at the line of scrimmage. When asked about his opinion of his recently acquired nickname, he just shook his head sheepishly and went back to lyin’ around in the dressing room.
Indivisible K. Julep (N/A) – Coach – Having led many other imaginary teams to great fictional championships, Mr. Julep feels ready to do the same here with the Chargers. His coaching style is somewhat unconventional, as he is known to NEVER single out a player, and instead criticizes the whole team for the errors of each individual. His family hail from the Kentucky, and he grew up immersed in the culture of the Derby. Some of the players secretly believe he may have a drinking problem, but no one has been able to prove it, as he always has a faint smell of mint about him. His parents were devout Nationalists and were known to recite the Pledge of Allegiance each night before bed.
Screw U. Sagging (#54) – Defensive Tackle – The best word to use to describe this aging veteran would be “ornery”. In fact, the only person meaner than Mr. Sagging ever encountered by THIS author would have to have been his father, Frig O. Sagging. Which could in no small part account for his unfortunate moniker. It’s said that he is unable to engage in social conversation in any way. This of course begs the question as to how the males of the Sagging family manage to continually procreate… Frankly, this is likely to be Sagging’s last year in the league, he has unofficially announced his retirement in classic Sagging fashion, shouting his name and first initial at the coaching staff during a recent celebrity picnic appearance by the team.
Hyperbole D. Deteriorated (#3) – Running Back – This is Mr. Deteriorated’s sophmore season in the league. He burst onto the Imaginary Football League radar last year as a rookie with much fanfare, and he had the skill to back it up. He managed to capture the Offal O. Packrat trophy as the rookie of the year… but his play has declined steadily since then. And by steadily I mean RAPIDLY. He showed up thirty pounds overweight for training camp this spring and seems to have forgotten most of his football smarts somehow. His foot-speed has been DRASTICALLY reduced, to the point that Demoralize and Sagging are able to run slow, lazy circles around him. Somehow, though, the stories being written about him are strangely exaggerated, with his prowess being greatly misrepresented.
Renown G. Flyspeck (#15) – Quarterback – The undisputed captain of the team, he has managed to break every offensive record in the teams long and undesirable history. Women swoon at his classic good-looks, and children swarm to obtain his autograph at local games. However, he can’t help feeling that all of his accomplishments are still inconsequential. As soon as he leaves the city-limits, he is just another nobody… people recognize him, but often can’t remember where they know him from.
Ptarmigan U. Mum (#1) – Kicker – An import from an English football league, Mr. Mum has very little to say. In fact, he has not been heard to utter a single word. Ever. Much controversy arose when he joined the team after an unfortunate incident involving a small bird in the grouse family, and three Finnish hookers during a match in Scotland drove him into exile from his homeland. He has a quirky habit of pulling his jersey over his head and running about with his arms outstretched after every successful punt.
Pigskin I. Trimness (#35) – Wide Receiver – You could say that Mr. Trimness was born into the game. Indeed you could. If you did, you would be ABSOLUTELY right. He was born in the fourth row during a famous game in ’77 when the Spamlington Chargers were defending their title against the North Firewallville Blizzards. He is a natural, sure of hand and fleet of foot. Flyspeck knows that if he gets the ball anywhere near Trimness, he will catch it. Pigskin is a serious gym-nut and has often been heard extolling his teammates on the virtues of losing weight, his usual target is the beefy but diminutive Demoralize. He hates jokes made about his being a “wide” receiver, and is quick to point at Sagging as a better candidate for the position.
Encountered K. Stickpin (#68) – Offensive Tackle – Born in the bayous outside New Orleans, this tall tackle has a knack for showing up when he’s least expected. It seems like an opposing player has a free run to the end zone when suddenly, Stickpin will appear out of nowhere and make a startling tackle. He wears a small necklace made out of human finger-joints when he’s not on the field, a source of many rumours concerning his supposed voodoo heritage… something that THIS author seriously doubts… to be honest, he’s really just a third-rate tackle and I’ve been one of his biggest detractors ever since I saw him play in college… what’s that? Whoah! Where did YOU come from Mr. Stickpin? Hey! Is that an action-figure of ME? What are you doing with that nail? Arrrrrghhh….!!
END OF REPORT.
March 19 The Princess and the CandleI've been experimenting with internet dating a little lately, and I have to say it has been interesting... in the end, it's just another way to meet people, right? Well this piece of writing arose from a conversation with someone who asked me to tell her a story... I have a feeling she was looking for a story about ME, so I may have missed the point, as I am wont to do, but a fairly nice piece of writing resulted from my folly, so I can't judge myself too harshly!
Without further ado, I present, The Princess and the Candle...
***************************************************************************************
Once upon a time, there was a castle. In the window of the highest tower, there burned a single candle. In the room behind the candle, there was a beautiful Queen, and her daughter, the princess. As the Queen prepared her little girl for bed, as she liked to do instead of having a servant do it, the tiny Princess asked her mother, "Mama, why do you light the candle every night in the window?"
Her mother looked towards the window, and answered her, "I light the candle because my Mother used to light the candle before me. I asked her the very same question, when I was around your age too, and this is what she told me..."
"She said, 'I light the candle because your father, the king, has ridden off to war, and he asked me to light the candle so he may find his way back to me if he should become lost in the darkness. The moon has risen and set many times since he left, and although I am sure he will not return, the candle will light his way home, even in death'"
At this, the princess said, "But Mama, my father has ridden out as well!"
The Queen closed her eyes and said gently, "I know, my sweet, and now we light the candle for him, and also for your Grandfather, who was king before him... because one day, they will both return to us."
With that, she pulled the covers up and kissed the Princess gently on the forehead and sang a small, sweet lullaby to her... in the words her mother sang to her,
hushaby, and good-night, the worries of today, will melt in the moonlight, which guides you on your way...
When she finished, the Princess appeared to be asleep, so she quietly left the room, closing the door behind her.
After a little while, the princess awoke to hear the sounds of a horse's hooves far below her window. She got up and went to the casement and peered out... she could just make out the faint outline of two men, riding side-by-side, glowing faintly in the moonlight, towards the candle... never seeming to get any closer... until they faded into the mist.
The young Princess took on the task of lighting the candle every night from her mother, and passed it on to her daughter after her... and ever has it been that a single candle burns in the lonely window, at the top of the highest tower... to light the way home through even the darkest of night. March 02 A stirring tale of Daring-do, and daring don't!My evening... I was accosted on my way home from Jacks by a one-armed man... he was very strong, he dragged me into an alley and whispered that he knew who I was. I tried to ask him what he was talking about, but he clonked me on the head with a statue of Wilt Chamberlain that he had been clutching in his good hand. When I came to, I was on a ship... I don't know where... I had been press-ganged into the foreign legion! The men on the ship were harsh and their justice was brutal. I was forced to live for hours on a diet consisting of dates... in many forms... date squares, date cookies, date pie, even a very odd looking date gruel... which was really just crushed up dates. I tried to reason with the Captain... or possibly the cabin-boy... I'm still not sure... but he didn't speak a word of english. He only pointed and stroked his pointy little beard. And laughed a lot. And brandished his hook like nobody's business. I don't think I mentioned that. We sailed for many minutes, and I was still not sure where we were going, until I heard a great commotion from the deck of the ship... yelling and what sounded like swords clashing... myself and a few of the other captives quickly overcame our guard... which, as it turned out, was actually a stuffed effigy. We rushed the topdeck, and found an incredible scene... it turns out that pirates had boarded us and were plundering our booty! Our captain, or possibly the cabin-boy, was locked in mortal combat with the pirate captain... or possibly THEIR cabin-boy... they hacked and slashed and "Arrrrrr"ed at each other... cutlass to cutlass, hook to hook, pointy-beard to pointy-beard... until finally our captain, or possibly cabin-boy, stumbled on his peg-leg, and the pirate captain, or possibly cabin-boy, slew him mightily and smote his ruin down upon the poop-deck. It seems we had escaped a hard place only to be trapped beneath a rock. We ran like a bunch of steroid-infested Ben Johnsons for the deck-rail and vaulted over, only to find ourselves landing on the deck of the pirate ship! It seems we had leaped from the frying pan and into the fire! But in this case, the frying pan was a slaver's galley, bound for ports unknown, and the fire was a black-hulled pirate ship! Luck, it seems was on our side, though, as all the pirates were plundering booty from the foreign-legion slave ship, so they had left behind a token guard, a monkey and a hamster. We were able to quickly overcome the monkey, but the hamster put up a fearsome fight... his claws and fangs slashed at us again and again... I ordered two of the men to break off from the melee and free the pirate ship from the moorings holding it to the slave galley... and I held off the fearsome beast while they did it. The hamster fought like a brave, but doomed champion for many minutes, but in the end, I slew him mightily and smote his ruin down upon his woodchips. We cast off from the pirates and left a very surprised looking pirate crew, waving at us and bidding us adieu, as we sailed away in their ship. At least I THINK they were bidding us adieu... they may have been swearing at us in "Piratese". Their captain, or possibly the cabin-boy, waved his hook in a most threatening manner at me and I clearly heard his words echo across the stormy waters of what I assume was Lake Ontario... since I could still clearly see the CN tower... he spake thusly, "Arrrr!!! Damn you to the seven compartments of Davey Jones' locker, Black James!" (This was what my crew had taken to calling me by now) he continued, "I will not rest until the day I bury my hook in the soft fleshy parts of your manly and well-sculpted body!" I sneered and laughed, and yelled back that I had no desire to learn what rotting lunches Mr. Jones had accumulated in his locker! My crew cheered lustily at that, and we sailed back towards the beautiful Toronto skyline. We reached port just in time for me to catch the last subway home, and the crew and I decided to leave the pirate ship there, at Queen's Quay... perhaps you've seen it there? It's now a restaurant called "Long John Silvers" I believe... well to make a long story somewhat longer, I got to work just in time to get your e-mail, and as I sit here recounting the tale, I can't help but wonder if I shall see that pirate captain, or possibly cabin-boy again... and also if I left my wallet on board the slave-ship... How was YOUR evening? February 08 I Passed! And I'm NOT BROKEN!As some of you know... In my COPIOUS amounts of spare time... between my two jobs... my daughter, and hockey... I've been taking a course in Real Estate. I wrote the exam this past weekend and somehow, I managed to PASS! :) Woooo! So now I register for Phase Two and get crackin' all over again!
So I'm sorry my friends, all of you whom I've neglected lately... it's only going to get worse, because I can't lollygag through this phase, I'll REALLY have to buckle down.
I'm also working on a Lip-synch routine for a competition with Jack Astor's from all over the place up at Blue Mountain called "Ski Cup". I actually WON the right to attend by winning an in-store contest to sell the most of a certain three items on the menu, but I figured why not try this out too? :) It's been fun and interesting so far... I'm learning to dance, "Hip Hop"... ha ha... I'm the whitest whitey who ever tried, I'm sure. :)
So I'm having a discussion with a friend of mine about his cats... they were brough to the vet to be "fixed". Heh. I told him that I'm sure THEY would argue the point of being "Broken" in the first place! Why do we call it that? Oh, and as my title CLEARLY STATES, I am NOT BROKEN. Heh.
Keep on rockin' everyone! January 24 The Heart of Winter...sunlight speaks with warmth
falls upon the deafened ears
of my winter heart
I've been in a haiku mood lately, so expect more to follow!
I went with a good friend of mine (whom I actually MET for the first time last night!) to see Tristan and Isolde last night. Very good movie! I highly recommend it. I had read that Franco (Tristan)'s performance was wooden, but I thought he played it pretty well. The other characters were fantastic, and what a great story! A sappy, doomed love story.
And while I was there, the nation decided to give Mr. Harper a "short leash" attempt to govern. As much as the thought of this soulless, robotic man representing us on the world stage scares me, I think this might just be a good thing for Canada. A chance to get a sampling of something a little different from the Liberals, and they can't push anything TOO radical at us because they don't have a majority. I suppose it was time for a change... but instead of Standing up for Canada, we sort of... "Half-rose-out-of-our-seats" for Canada. Is it just me, or is there something missing behind Harper's eyes when he speaks?
Oh well. The train keeps on a runnin'!
Corner J out. January 16 Would you die for your art?The reason I ask, is that I wrote this next piece while I was driving up the 404. I know it's stupid... I know I probably should have pulled over, or gotten off the highway... but I didn't want to lose the thread. I wanted to get it onto paper before I had a chance to change the words that were flooding into my head...
So I suppose I was willing to risk death on the highway to comply with my inner voice... insane? Foolish? History will decide I suppose. I survived to write it!
I gather my cloak
around me
against the cold
and the storm
of words I didn't say
couldn't say.
I turn as the wind
and the shame
burn my cheeks
bringing tears.
I shuffle through
the frozen grass,
still thick with
remnants of ice
and the pathetic detritus
of everything we left
unspoken
where it fell...
...to my car
and drive into
the sunset of us.
Sunday January 15th 2006 4:58pm January 13 Haiku strike!glory, furious
morning breaks the horizon
day unrelenting
eventually
the sun follows its wide arc
and retreats once more
(by Jorge.)
bows behind the hills
drawing darkness around us
night stirs and awakes January 08 Taking time...So I went for a WALK today! It was such a beautiful sunny day, I decided to venture our and walk to Starbucks to study for the afternoon. Of course, by the time I decided to leave and finally got myself together, it was no longer sunny, and a chill was DEFINITELY descending... but it was a nice walk nonetheless.
I think that not enough people take the time to do that these days. It's amazing how a nice walk can calm you down and allow you to think when things seem hectic and overwhelming. What's even more interesting is that when I walk up my street, it's the street I used to live on back in the DAY... MANY moons ago... so I stroll along and I'm assailed by memories at every turn of my head... I keep expecting to run into the ghost of my younger self... blowing something up, or burning something... :) I think if my younger self met up with me, he'd kick my ass. If not that, he'd certainly have some very pointed questions as to what I've done with his future. "Why are you still living at home?" "Why are you having so much trouble with love? Something so simple?" Ha ha... "What happened to our plan to..." that's just it. There never WAS a plan. At what point did I stray from the path? DID I stray from the path? I don't know... I have the nagging feeling that I did, but I don't even know what path it is I'm supposed to be ON!
Well... I think I would tell him to relax. And that life is just not that simple once you get into the middle parts of it. Things happen... ideas change... women are... women. And I think I'd tell him to keep dreaming... and I am. I think I'd probably also tell him not to take that trip in the summer with his future girlfriend... the one where his car gets wrecked... and I would twist his arm until he PROMISED not to get me into so much damn debt! :) and... I think I might let a couple of lottery numbers slip... but you know... what harm could THAT possibly do?
So as usually happens when I have too much time to myself to think... I have leaned on my emotional crutch. I'm not entirely happy with it... and I wasn't sure if I was going to blog it... but hey... you are on this journey with me, right? Or else you wouldn't be here reading this... playing voyeur to the manic life of a rambling idiot... :) I want to preface this piece with an assurance that I am ok... :) I know how some of you worry when my poetry gets a little dark... everything is fine... keep in mind that this is a hyperbole of my feelings... in other words, I take poetic license with my emotions to allow myself a release. It's blown out of proportion a little. But that's what poetry is supposed to be, non? A flight of fancy rooted in fact? Ah but I digress... now I'm just stalling... without further ado...
how...?
how can I do it?
how can I tell you
how pieces of poetry
fly at my mind
whenever I think of you?
how do I tell you
without the appearance
of desperation
what you mean to me?
How do I look into
the eyes of a lover
and meet the gaze
of a stranger?
I would rather be blind.
How do I reach for you
with arms you've tied
firmly to my sides?
How can I listen to my
traitor's heart
which tells me
to hold you...
against your will?
and ignore the warnings
and scale the fence
and break down the wall
and shout my anguish
and my lonliness?
how?
I told you I would
always
come for you
but there is no dragon
here to save you from...
you have no use for
a hero
and so I wait...
and how I ache...
for I would rather be alone,
than lonely in love.
Sunday January 8th 2006 6:25 pm December 13 Involuntary Kong-Sizification...So... I was on my way to work on Monday morning, and miraculously, I was EARLY! I decided to stop in somwhere and grab some breakfast. Now I KNEW I didn't have time to stop in anywhere, so that left very few options... Tim Horton's... McDonalds... or... BURGER KING! There happens to be a Burger King right around the corner from where I work and I had never TRIED their breakfast, so I thought "why not?".
Now I know why.
First off, and this is relatively unrelated to my enjoyment of the morning meal, but the drive-through speaker thingy was not working properly... in fact, when I pulled up in front of it, a pleasant sounding male voice informed me that the drive-through was not open and that I should return AFTER 7am. I found this odd, as it was just after 8:30am... so I prepared to leave when ANOTHER voice broke in and asked me in terrible, broken english what I would like to order. This woman's voice was super-imposed over top of the other voice, so it was basically impossible to understand her... at this point all I could do was pretty much yell my order at the speaker and hope for the best.
The first thing I noticed is that Burger King is big on Sausage. And I am not. I don't like breakfast sausage. But it seemed to me that EVERYTHING they served came with it, so I thought what the heck... I can eat it today... so I ordered a "Croissant-wich" meal... with an orange juice. The lady fought again with the now annoying, calm male-voice telling me to come back later, to tell me something which I didn't understand... and then she just leaned out and waved me forward to the window... and I thought, "Aha! Progress!" I pulled forward and told her what I'd like to order... her voice wasn't any more intelligible in person, I might add... so I paid and waited for my food.
When she handed it out to me she said something along the lines of... "We Kong-Size! For free!"... I just stared blankly at her and I guess she figured out that I had no idea what she was talking about because she said, "You order number 1, we make it number 3! For FREE!"... by this time, her enthusiasm was rubbing off on me, and I was getting a little excited despite myself... I thanked her and drove off, wondering what in hell had just happened... when I got to work and opened my drive-through bag, I realized to my horror that "Kong-Sizing" is adding an extra disgusting sausage patty and more pseudo-cheese... I had been "Kong-Sized" against my will.
Let's just say that the inevitable stomach upset was ALSO Kong-Sized... I have been trying to unsuccessfully apply this Kong-Sizing to OTHER aspects of my life... I keep trying to convince my employers to Kong-Size my paycheck... and my demands for the attendant to Kong-Size my gasoline purchase fell on deaf ears. Don't even ASK me about my experiences trying to Kong-Size my credit limit for the holiday season...
Ahhh Burger King... if only your example could be followed by the public in general. November 17 Time trudges on...Ever get the feeling that you're just going through the motions? That everything you're doing has already been done by someone else... and better? Lately it feels as if I'm on a track... my wheels firmly fixed in place by circumstances beyond my control, as I plow forward with no IDEA where the tracks lead. I mistook this for depression... which it is not. I'm not unhappy... just, resigned. I change that which I can, and complain about that which I cannot, in classic fashion, but somehow lately it just doesn't seem like enough. I wrote a piece of poetry once with the line... "happily was a myth... it's time to get started on Ever After" and I find myself identifying with this more than ever now. Again, it's not that I'm unhappy, it just looks to me like that which I want will remain outside my grasp, and so I must distract myself with the inane details that life serves to me... it's nothing against the people who ask, but every time someone asks me "How was your day?" I want to scream... it was the SAME as yesterday, with the exception of a few minor details, and it will be the SAME AS TOMORROW! I am quickly arriving at the conclusion that I am an "emotion junky"... I crave it... as a nightmare beast feeds on fear, I think some twisted part of me feeds itself on emotion... I want to be in love... I want to taste that delicious torture... I want to be adored... and to adore. I want it all. All this being said... I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such loving and beautiful friends... who listen with immense patience to the pathetic whining I foist on them... I love you all. November 02 Pieces of me, Pieces of You...I want to know you to know what you think, to taste what you love to hear how your own voice sounds to you to see yourself, reflected in the mirrors of my eyes to glance down, into your soul, and find what moves you, and drag it out, and MOVE you... dismantle your every thought deconstruct your every desire but i wonder if, when i am through and every piece of me colours every piece of you can i put us together again? will i know where you end and i begin? where all your pieces go and how i fit in? -for RAN, who storms at my heart yet. Tuesday November 2nd 2005 11:27am
October 26 Stop the ride... I'm getting off...I think it’s time for me to stop the ride and get off. I’m feeling sick.
“Out of Control” doesn’t even come CLOSE to where my life is heading right now. I’ve lost my focus, lost sight of my priorities… and it’s time to put that right.
The problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve is that every time you brush up against someone… it makes your heart skip a beat… and it hurts.
On the plus side… I’m getting really GOOD at endings!
I got a letter from Jessica today… by mail. Now this got me thinking… something we spoke about at one point, we were going through our horoscope signs, and reading them to each other and deciding whether each thing we read applied to us or not. It was fun, and instructive!
One thing in particular stood out in mine that I recall… it said that Aquarians have a tendency to don a “Cloak of Frivolity” as a way to deal with emotional pain… and it’s true. I think it’s time for me to put that moth-eaten old thing back on and get on with my life.
October 14 What's my PROBLEM!? What's YOUR problem?So I've been doing some soul-searching... who am I kidding? This is pretty much a CONSTANT thing with me. Which brings me to the gist of this blog-post...
WHY CAN'T I JUST RELAX?
It startles me to look back at the things in my life that seem so LIFE-THREATENINGLY TIME SENSITIVE for some reason... at the time it feels like if things don't happen RIGHT NOW, and exactly according to whatever "plan" I've cooked up, the world will surely come to a fiery end. So I ask again, why can't I just relax a little? Loosen my death-grip on the reigns of this twelve-horse wagon that is LIFE? Let it steer for itself for a while and, I don't know, take a NAP or something?
I've always had trouble with this... I don't know why. I am certainly NOT a person who is into delayed gratification... and I'm not talking in a sexual sense here... it seems I decide what I want, and then DO NOT STOP until it is mine. Sometimes this is good. I've become VERY adept at getting what I want. But other times, it is a form of self-torture, that I wish I could escape from. Unfortunately, although I am able to recognise this about myself, I seem unable or unwilling to just... chill OUT about things sometimes.
I will admit, I LIKE my life busy. It's when I'm at my best. I am a HOPELESS planner. I plan EVERYTHING... usually to a fault... which is funny, because I'm actually VERY disorganized in the other areas of my life... but SOCIALLY... man I can keep two MONTHS worth of plans in my head and recite them on command.
The good thing is, I'm getting better. Which isn't saying much. But at least I am, for the most part anyway, able to recognise when I'm being STUPID about things and need to take some deep breaths and relax... but yeah. On average, I think I worry WAAAAYY too much about things I have NOOO control over. Maybe that's it... maybe it's a control thing...
Suggestions? Questions? Things of your OWN you want to rant about? Go for it.
October 11 The end of an introspective journey... and a beginning.So after a lengthy internal debate, I have decided to add my latest piece of work to my online chronicle... Basically, this one just felt a little too "close" for lack of a better term... but hey, I've shared everything ELSE with you, my beautiful bloggers, why not this, eh?
 Here goes...
Ran
moving through the clouds
whiteness whispering past my windows
and through my head
I couldn't see until it was too late
I didn't see the storm in your eyes
and now it's too late
I've fallen into your sky
all I can do now
is spread my arms
close my eyes
and flow with the winds of desire
rising with every touch,
every smile
plummeting with every rejection
you are the Goddess Ran
Goddess of Storms
you will drown me
in the endless pools
of your limitless eyes
and yet...
I soar, oblivious
delighted, entranced
relentlessly
toward you.
-dedicated to my Ran, my Storm Goddess
-Tuesday October 4th 2005
So there it is... it's difficult to write it here for reasons I don't want to get into, but I wanted to share it nonetheless.
Also, as an added bonus, I'm going to throw in a Haiku! Because you acted NOW! :) Ironically this is a Haiku about writing... or is that "paradoxically"? Either way... here you go...
The pen makes a trail
The eyes translate into words
The heart interprets
I wrote this haiku for my wicked-awesome friend Leah in a letter I wrote to her. BY HAND! :) She wrote me one and I was so ridiculously excited to get it... you have no idea... my heart was pounding... I felt like a kid at Christmas! :) So that Haiku is dedicated to Leah, for making me feel that way again, and reminding me what it is to be thought of and loved.
Thank you sweetie.
PS - It's her birthday! Go wish her a happy one! October 04 A funny thing happened during an escape from a bank...I would like to impart a short anecdote featuring my good friend John… we have had many exciting and daring misadventures together… and I will attempt to chronicle some of them here. My problem is, unless something I come across spurs my memory, in this case, a story on Jorge’s blog, these stories remain buried in my cloudy memory…
For instance... and forgive another rambling entry here, but it's a funny anecdote… John and I had to swing past the mall to use the ATM machine. Now something that may SEEM unrelated at this time that you should know about John is that his eyesight was LEGENDARILY BAD... :) (My friend from the previous Voltron exchange) …so he ran in to use the bank, and I waited outside in the car.
However, as I was waiting, as coincidence would have it, a lady pulled up behind me in EXACTLY the same car I was driving, same colour and everything... I pulled ahead a little for her, and the stage was set...
John came trotting out to the car, not really looking where he was going, of course heading STRAIGHT for the wrong car. He jerked the door open and hopped in, still completely oblivious to where he was or what was going on. I suppose he had other things on his mind…
I watched this scene unfold in my side mirror, where objects are closer than they appear, and indeed, John was now obviously a little TOO close to the woman in the other car, as far as SHE was concerned, anyway! I am still on the fence as to what was funnier, the desperate, scrambling, clawing motions she made for the lock on the passenger door as it became apparent that he was heading for HER car, the abject terror on her face as he must have seemed to have been FORCING his way into her car, or what John later told me that he said to her when he got in… I’ll get to that…
I must confess that many of the minutes that followed this hilarious event are still a little hazy because by this point I was laughing so hard I was actually becoming concerned that I might not survive the comedy of this event…
After he had hopped smartly into the passenger seat of this poor, terrified woman’s car, he finally glanced over at her, and in a very frank, matter-of-fact tone announced, “Hey! You aren’t James!” After which point he exited without further comment, and trotted forward to where I waited in fits of uncontrollable mirth in my OWN vehicle…
Heh… J I still laugh about it while I’m sitting here typing it out and it happened like, probably close to ten years ago.
I am so old. September 30 Calling all EIGHTIES children...So it’s Friday and it’s been a WHILE since my last blog… so here’s an amusing one. Here’s a couple of ACTUAL MSN conversations between me and my friend John. You’ll have to excuse the few typos and swear words. For the sake of completeness I have left them in.
The first one is a brief discussion we had about the merits of possible exercise routines…
Enraptured - .: you ain't gonna get into bathing suit shape with a routine like THAT! :) John: well maybe one of those full piece suits John: or a diving suit Enraptured - .: LOL Enraptured - .: "wetsuit" shape! John: with the metal helmet Enraptured - .: Deep-sea suit shape? John: "space suit" shape Enraptured - .: nice... :D John: or "deap-sea" shape
Session Close (Enraptured - .): Thu Mar 17 08:47:40 2005
The next part is an in-depth discussion regarding the once-popular Japanese children’s cartoon “Voltron”. You KNOW you watched it… don’t pretend to be too cool to remember this… J
Enraptured - .: imagine if Voltron showed up to fight the other big bad robot and he was on crutches... because he's missing a lion! :) the other robots are all snickering behind his back... Enraptured - .: "Ha ha! Voltron, forget something this morning?" John: ...! he straps a car onto his stump so he can get around quicker Enraptured - .: haw haw haw Enraptured - .: that's fuckin hilarious Enraptured - .: we need to find a cartoonist who can do this for us... Enraptured - .: he's got a LADA strapped onto his leg... John: he can only do move #7 -> Ferocious dash to left side with sword out! Enraptured - .: heh Enraptured - .: can't type laughing... John: NO LATERAL MOVEMENT! Enraptured - .: (which also looks like, "structural failure on LADA-leg-topple to left side, flail with sword on way down" John: haha! But he'd have a bitching finishing move. Could you imagine a round house kick with a EXPLORER attached to your foot? John: HAHA Enraptured - .: heh heh John: LADA KICK! Enraptured - .: what if one of the lions was "in the shop" Enraptured - .: oh man... John: they needed to call in "owl" voltron. Enraptured - .: huh? there was an owl? Enraptured - .: oh... Enraptured - .: i get it... like a job-share Enraptured - .: heh heh John: so they're all lions except for a pussy owl leg. He can't really support the weight, and the guy doesn't EVEN SPEAK JAPANESE! Enraptured - .: ha ha ha Enraptured - .: he's the "substitute" lion Enraptured - .: heh John: so they use that limb for all the blunt force trauma attacks John: and perhaps shielding the blows. Enraptured - .: the guys gets out and his ears are ringing John: AAHHH mega sword attack! Block with foster limb! Enraptured - .: "you guys! my fucking head is killing me!" Enraptured - .: OMG... so funny... we have to make this John: he gets out. Man this fucking owl isn't cutting it. I need to be myself a lion Enraptured - .: learns japanese John: actually. I think a squirrel would be better than an owl Enraptured - .: heh heh heh Enraptured - .: lemming... prairie dog John: convinces the guy's back home to invest in some lions Enraptured - .: imagine a complete squirrel Voltron... heh heh John: I'll form the bushy tail! Enraptured - .: "Chittering nut-hiding attack"! Enraptured - .: and then he turns and scrambles up a tree John: cept' you need like 9 million of them to form the robot cause they're all so small! It looks like a cloud of squirrels gathering together! Enraptured - .: and starts making "neh! neh!neh!" noises John: chucking nuts at you Enraptured - .: that would actually be really neat... Enraptured - .: squirrel cloud attack! John: NIBBLE LEFT ARM!
After this the conversation descended into fits of uncontrollable chortling… I honestly couldn’t type and there were tears rolling down…
Ahhh… the good old days. A few months ago… September 23 Madison Grace...Just a quicky update... my life is so unbelievably busy... but EVERYTHING went on hold for a few hours as I was an honored attendee at the birth of My new niece... Madison Grace! :)
I'm an UNCLE! AGAIN!!! :)
I'm so excited, she's a sweetheart... 6 pounds 14 ounces... (although I STILL have yet to be given a satisfactory answer as to WHY this information is relevant...) and she was 20 inches.
She opened her eyes for us whil we were there... and it was amazing to think that I was among the FIRST THINGS SHE HAD EVER SEEN. Incredible. It really is a miracle! When my mother unwraooed her from her little baby coccoon and I saw her little tiny hands, I almost cried...
Other than that, work work work! :) Jack's is gonig VERY well! I'm making some money, and all in all, I'm not as burnt out as I thought I'd be! I actually REALLY enjoy working at Jack's! Ah well... since I am still not getting tired, working like... 13 hours a day, I'm going to add SCHOOL into the mix!! :)
Stay tuned campers! September 15 Another questionnaire... sort of...7 things I hate doing or scare me:
1. 1.) Laundry… actually, FOLDING laundry. 2. 2.) Spiders scare me. I ALSO hate them. If I see ‘em, they’re dead. If they see ME, they spin little annoying webs all over me… it’s a hate-hate thing… but really, I’m one of those people who look like a lunatic if I walk through a web, flailing my hands around and swearing with a crazed expression… 3. 3.) Picking up Dog Shit. Seriously… I don’t even OWN a dog… I pick it up after my parents’ dog before I mow the lawn and I HATE it. And I guess it sort of scares me too… (This question is odd because often that which scares us we learn to hate over time…) 4. 4.) Tornados. This is the exception to the scare/hate connection… because I am very afraid of tornados, but I am strangely fascinated by them… 5. 5.) Filing. The HUGE, TEETERING PILES of paperwork on my desk are a testament to my extreme aversion to filing… I’d much rather just burn it all when I’m through with it… 6. 6.) Not being “in control”… scares me… now before you go getting all FREUD on my ass, let me explain… I don’t like rollercoasters, because I can’t DRIVE ‘em… same reason I’m nervous on planes, etc… get it? I’m not really a control freak or anything, I just don’t like not being the one responsible for my own safety… 7. 7.) I hate being bored. “hate” is such a strong word… but I don’t like being idle.
7 things I like:
1. 1.) My Nona’s pasta. Mmmmm… 2. 2.) Girls. ;) Sorry guys... I'm sure you have much to offer, and I really have nothing against you per se, but I just don't play for that team... despite MANY rumours to the contrary, I assure you... 3. 3.) Not having to worry about money… this doesn’t HAPPEN very often… but when I can go out and just NOT worry about it… it’s nice. 4. 4.) Spending time with my daughter… now please understand that these items are not RANKED in order of importance… I’m just typing them in as they come to me… I certainly don’t like my Nona’s pasta more than my daughter… I just didn’t feel like erasing it and starting over… 5. 5.) Watching movies. I am a serious movie buff… 6. 6.) Salt. Yes salt. I am a salt person, and consequently I enjoy all available vehicles for salt… ie: French fries, gravy, olives… etc… 7. 7.) Martinis! Mmmm… a Grey-goose martini with THREE olives. Not less, not more. Shaken not stirred, and NICE AND DRY… just SHOW it the vermouth…
7 important things in my room:
1. 1.) This is actually going to be a short list… I just moved my computer OUT of my room and there really isn’t much left in there… that being said… here we go… my BED. 2. 2.) My dresser 3. 3.) My CLOSET… J 4. 4.) With all my CLOTHES!! YAY! 5. 5.) My guitar… a super-awesome Ovation Celebrity limited edition acoustic/electric guitar that I have displayed on a stand… it’s a beautiful black guitar that was produced in limited run for Metallica… that I have absolutely NO IDEA how to play… 6. 6.) Spiders. Now it says “important” things… it doesn’t say WHY these things are important… to ME it’s important to get these deadbeat arachnids OUT of my room… THEY aren’t paying rent… little bastards… 7. 7.) Uhhh… the walls? Yeah I ran out of important things in my room… it sort of just turned into a LIST of the things in my room… but I seriously don’t have much stuff in my room… it’s mostly in boxes waiting for my basement apartment to be finished…
7 random facts about me:
1. 1.) I developed a taste for Eat-More chocolate bars to keep friends from mooching from me… I think I am the only person on earth who likes them, and I frequently receive letters from the company alternately begging, urging and threatening me to eat MORE of their hideous turd-look-alike chocolate bars… don’t get me wrong, I really DO like them, and I don’t mind sharing with my friends, but hey, it’s MY chocolate bar! 2. 2.) I am an aquarius, and everything you’ve ever read about them describes me pretty much to a “tee”. 3. 3.) I used to own a horse. I won it in a draw at a horse camp I went to when I was 10 years old. His name was Dagmar and he was chestnut colored, 15 hands tall and he had a white star on his forehead with white socks on his forelocks. We eventually sold him to a trail-riding place in St. Lucia (Bahamas)… lucky bastard… but hey, that’s just what my parents TOLD me, for all I know, they could have sold him for glue! Lucky bastard… heh heh… 4. 4.) I have a tattoo of a dragon on my right shoulder with the word VERITAS under it in gothic script. I was born in the year of the dragon, and again, everything you’ve read about people born in the year of the dragon describes me as well. As for the word, it means TRUTH in latin… I’ll let you figure that out for yourself. ;) 5. 5.) I have played just about every sport you can name… except cricket. Could never quite figure that one out, and it wasn’t exactly popular in my neighborhood. Hockey, soccer, baseball, tennis, squash, golf… the list goes on. 6. 6.) I have a bizarre ring of small birth marks that make a necklace around my neck. 7. 7.) I use this “…” a lot. I believe it’s called hyperbole… it’s supposed to mean that I’m indecisive… but I dunno…
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1. 1.) Well I don’t PLAN on dying. So THERE! I’m going to fly away with Peter Pan to Neverland and live forever and ever… yeah right… but really, who WOULDN’T given a choice? Ok… so number one… Drive a Lamborghini. 2. 2.) Hmmm… this list is going to be a hard one, because I don’t really plan things like this… I sort of cross them off mentally AFTER I do them… like traveling to Switzerland… and buying a rose for a 16 year old girl at a nightclub who was high as a kite… J so instead of wasting your time and mine trying to come up with 7 things I really actually could care LESS if I do before I die, I’m going to end it here. If I think of any before I’m finished, I’ll come back and fill them in. 3. 3.) oh oh! I thought of one… I’d like to go on the “Amazing Race”… with Jaymi if she wants to… we’d win for sure.
7 things I can do:
1. 1.) Wow. This is pretty ambiguous. I mean… I HOPE I can do MORE than 7 things… should I pick things that ONLY I can do? Or what? Ok… uhhh… write my name! 2. 2.) I can write my name UPSIDE DOWN! This is a requirement for working at Jack Astor’s. 3. 3.) I can shake a mean martini. 4. 4.) I can write poetry and haiku with the greatest of ease… 5. 5.) … and LEAP TALL BUILDINGS- sorry.. got a little carried away there… I can usually find things or spot them before other people do, I have VERY good eyesight. Like… the last time I was at the optometrist it was 5/10, 5/15… 20/20 is the average… this has not given me any significant financial advantage to this point, it just makes me a handy person to have around if you drop something small or lose an earring. 6. 6.) I can make a little “U” with my tongue. 7. 7.) I can get lost even with the BEST directions AND a map.
7 things I can't or will not do:
1. 1.) I can’t lick my elbow. I read that weird list on the internet, and I’ve been trying ever since to no avail. 2. 2.) I will not smoke. I’ve read a lot of people use this one, but it’s true. I smoke cigars and the occasional pipe, but not cigarettes. 3. 3.) I won’t cheat on the person I’m with. Ever. It’s just not something I do. I don’t understand people who do, and I don’t have ANY respect for them… I mean really… this is a CONSCIOUS decision to hurt someone who you are supposed to care about. Be a man, for God’s sake, and DISCUSS your problems. 4. 4.) I can’t keep my room clean… it just doesn’t work. I try, but you know… I think there is some force in the universe conspiring against me here… because I could SWEAR that I’ve cleaned it… and then I turn around, and it’s messy again… 5. 5.) I will NOT make my damn bed… you know… really! It’s just going to get messed up again tonight… J 6. 6.) I can’t accept the word “no” when I want something for some reason… J I’m sure I’m not alone in this but it grates on my nerves and I will usually PUSH until I get it! I am successful at getting what I want. 7. 7.) I just can’t get enough… I just can’t get enough… heh… this song is on the radio right now… too funny.
7 things I say the most:
1. 1.) Nice. 2. 2.) …I’m not gonna lie to ya… 3. 3.) Shyeah! 4. 4.) No guff! (just kidding.. but I’m trying to bring it back old skool!) 5. 5.) heh heh. (chortling… I actually do this in real life… it’s the best “onscreen” representation of my laugh that’s not QUITE a laugh…) 6. 6.) Where AM I?!? 7. 7.) oh my!
7 celeb crushes:
1. 1.) My first recorded celebrity crush was Linda Hamilton. I thought she was the hottest ever back when I was little… now… not so much… 2. 2.) Vanessa Marceil She is like… perfect. Well… perfect LOOKING anyway. J I think it’s the beauty mark maybe… I dunno, but there is SOMETHING super-sexy about her. 3. 3.) Jewel. Besides being a hottie, I really like her writing, and I used to think we would make a good match, intellectually… but then I heard her interviewed when she sang during the break in an all-star game back when there was an NHL… wow… what a dolt! I was WRONG! J 4. 4.) Hmmm… I’m stumped… I guess I don’t HAVE 7… I mean, seriously, how many people am I supposed to be stalking here? J I wouldn’t call it a “crush”… but certainly that girl who used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids and then turned into a MEGA-hottie and Rachel Weisch are on the list… J
7 people I tagged to do this:
Well… you can add this to the list of “can’t”s… or “won’t”s… I don’t pass on chain letters or those creepy messages where the person will die a horrible death unless I destroy the earth’s bandwidth by sending this urgent message to a hundred people within the next 3 minutes… I just don’t do it! Call me a man of danger… but I have risked having terrible bad luck for the next hundred years MANY times… and my luck seems to be holding out just fine thank you! J That being said, I WOULD like to see a few of my friends complete this, just out of curiosity, so come on you friends! I know you’re reading! J Just copy and past it into a comment and let me read it. Ok! That’s it for today, this is James, from Blogville Canada, signing off. |
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